When you are in a relationship with someone it's easy for you to see the "holes" in make up of that other person - and, it's oh, so human, to want to try and fill it for them. For instance, if the person you're with has a deep depression that has caused an anger problem - and you know a bit of his background and the things that may have caused it - you can probably see the steps he should take that would enable him to deal with his demons, and eventually end his daily suffering of rage and sadness that colors his world. So, because you love him - you bring this up as gently as possible.
And....you're met with a brick wall and stony silence, denial, or his anger - this time directed towards YOU. So, what do you do in this case - assuming you are in this relationship for the long haul? You quit trying to FIX him. You love him just the way he is, faults and all - like he loves you. After all they're HIS demons, not yours. You have your own. I know it's hard, but that's all you can do.
I remember this saying my former sister in law - a brilliantly smart, deeply depressed individual - once said, that stuck to me like glue ever since I heard her say it. In regards to depression, "A depressed person can KNOW there's a button just within reach that will cure her depression and make her happy - but she won't push it, because she's too depressed". More simply put, it's as it states in Toltec Wisdom, "Everyone sees life through their own eyes only". So, until they're ready to deal with the long term ramifications their state of being will have on their health, their spirit, their emotional well being, and their relationships with others - no one can do a damn thing to make them see the light.
So, the best you can do for them - and yourself - is to love them for their TRUE nature. You know, the one that's hiding in there somewhere that made you love them in the first place. It's still there - and you know it because you catch glimpses of it - even though it's covered over a lot of the time. That, and pray that God will heal them or help them want to heal themselves. And, as far as you're concerned, keep your boundaries with them for sure - but remember that nothing hurtful they do is aimed at you personally, it's how they see the world. And - just work on keeping YOUR peace of mind.
You never know - maybe developing your own still, peaceful nature, will cause your loved one to want that for himself.
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